Dear Self, Breathe.

For the longest time, I thought setting boundaries was about pushing people away. I worried it would make me seem cold, distant, or selfish. But after going through a breakup that shook me to my core, I learned that boundaries aren’t about shutting people out—they’re about keeping myself safe.

Healing takes so much energy—more than I ever expected. And when my energy was drained by things (and people) that no longer served me, I knew something had to change. Setting boundaries wasn’t easy, but it was necessary. Here’s what I’ve learned along the way.

1. Walking Away from What No Longer Feels Right

After my breakup, I had to make one of the hardest choices: stepping back from spaces that hurt me.

• I stopped going to places where I knew I would see him. It was my therapist’s advice, but deep down, I knew I needed that distance.

• I unfollowed my ex on social media—not because I wanted to pretend he didn’t exist, but because constantly seeing him was like reopening a wound before it even had a chance to heal.

This wasn’t about running away. It was about giving myself the space to breathe. And honestly? It brought more relief than I expected.

2. Learning to Say ‘No’ Without Guilt

Before, I would say “yes” to things just to avoid disappointing others. Now, I ask myself: “Is this good for me?” If the answer is no, I don’t force it.

• I’ve stopped pushing myself into social situations that feel more draining than fulfilling.

• I’ve let go of relationships that felt one-sided.

• I’ve started listening to my own needs—without apologizing for it.

Saying “no” isn’t mean. It’s an act of self-care.

3. Recognizing Who Feels Safe (And Who Doesn’t)

After my breakup, trust became fragile. I questioned people’s intentions, overanalyzed their words, and struggled to open up. But through this, I’ve learned to pay attention to how people make me feel.

• Do I feel safe with them?

• Do they respect my feelings, even when they don’t fully understand them?

• Do they make space for me without pushing me past my limits?

If the answer is yes, I let them in—slowly, carefully, but willingly. If the answer is no, I step back. Not out of anger, but out of self-respect.

4. Accepting That Boundaries Don’t Need Justification

At first, I felt like I had to explain every boundary I set. But the truth is, not everyone will understand, and that’s okay.

• Some people won’t get why I distance myself.

• Some won’t like that I no longer overextend myself for them.

• Some might even take it personally.

But my healing isn’t up for debate. I don’t need anyone’s permission to do what’s best for me. And neither do you.

5. Protecting My Energy Means Choosing Myself

I spent so much time being the “joy” in the room, the person who saw the light when others saw darkness. And while I still believe in that part of myself, I’ve also realized: I can’t pour into others if I’m running on empty.

• Protecting my energy means prioritizing my healing—even when it feels selfish.

• It means allowing myself to rest—even when I feel like I should be doing more.

• It means trusting that the right people will understand and support my boundaries.

Final Thoughts

Setting boundaries isn’t easy. It requires unlearning old habits, disappointing people who were used to a different version of you, and standing firm even when it’s uncomfortable. But I promise—it’s worth it.

If you’re struggling with this, know that you’re not alone. Boundaries don’t make you cold or distant. They make you whole. And you deserve to be whole.

What’s the hardest part about setting boundaries for you? Let’s talk in the comments.